Because I feel it is my civic duty, as a good citizen-to-be, I have come up with several dozen slogans the Tories can use to secure victory in 2010. Additionally, to keep them down with the kids and their crazy internet lingo, I have added a special 4chan meme-slogan compendium at the end of this list.
“Tories: We won’t fix things but we’ll give it a shiny coat of paint!”
“Vote Conservative: Who knows when the next time we’re going to look so appealing will be?”
“Vote Conservative: After the last 13 years of this shit, your standards really can't afford to be all that high.”
“Tories: let us play the Good Cop for once.”
“Unhappy with the status quo? Tough shit. Suck it up and vote Conservative.”
“The Conservative Party: A Better Class of Sex Scandal.”
“Vote Tory: It Will Make Polly Toynbee mad.”
“Tories: We’re not competent either, but at least we might sell you out to someone who is!”
“Vote Conservative. If you can’t hold your own nose, we’ll deduct the cost of a clothespin from your wages.”
“Vote Conservative: We promise to keep Iain Dale away from anything important.”
“Tories: Shit is better than Radioactive Waste.”
“Vote Tory: I’m serious, like when will the Lib Dems will ever do anything?”
“Tories: because money-grabbing opportunists are STILL better than well-meaning psychopaths.”
“Vote Conservative, before we forget how to do corruption properly.”
“Tories: The Other Rich Elite!”
“Vote Tory! What Did Having A Conscience Ever Do For You?”
“Tories: We’re marginally less likely to march the whole country down the slow road to becoming Airstrip One.”
“Conservative Party: When You Like Freedom, But Don’t Like, Like Freedom.”
“Tories: Like you have a choice anyway, so just shut up and vote.”
“Tories: Because you want to believe there’s a difference.”
“Vote Tory! Like you’d really want Gordon Brown to listen up on your phone calls?”
“If you’re ready for slightly less of the same, vote Tory.”
“Tories: With us in power, Labour will be outraged by civil rights violations again!”
“Vote Tory: You may as well, now that Sarkozy has won in France!”
In particular, the reference to Dmitry Medvedev as "Putin's altar boy" probably made me wake up the neighbours. Some prescient commentary, hidden among the cursing, memes and general mocking.
I honestly wish I had got around to this earlier. Unfortunately, I have been beaten to the punch, and someone has written the truth behind Obama's cultlike following - he is the keeper of the Necrocomnicon.
Fuck you, I'm sick and this appeals to my sense of humour:
“Hillary,” she heard from behind her. It was Obama.
She stiffened with jealousy. Lucky him, able to wear a suit. Oh, how she envied him, for his popularity and the fact that he was a man.
“Yes, Mr. Obama?” She answered, stifling her anger.
“Hillary, you can call me Barack.”
She turned around and forced one of her fake smiles. “And why would I want to do that?”
He sighed and tossed his head. “Why are you always like this, Hillary? I was going to congratulate you on the debate, but you . . . you always pull this sarcastic attitude on me.”
She gave up on the fakeness, then. “I don’t know. Why are you always so sweet? When you’re out there, heck, when you’re in here, you always make it seem like we’re friends or something.”
“Aren’t we?”
“No, Barack, and I don’t see why you can’t understand that,” she said. She didn’t feel like this right now. She felt like kicking off her shoes and passing out. It was ridiculous.
He was silent. He stared at her. “If I get nominated, do you want to be my vice president?”
It was a nice thing for him to say, but she sighed instead of thanking him. “What, did you and Bill Richardson get in a fight or something?”
“What?”
“Wasn’t he going to be your vice?”
“No. Why would I want that goofy New Mexican?” He smiled.
She smiled, too. The thing about Barack was that he was hard to hate for a long time. “I suppose so, if you’d really like that.”
“I would,” he said. “There’s something else I’ve been meaning to tell you, also, Hillary.”
“What’s that?” she headed for her dressing room, and gestured for him to follow.
He followed. “Well, um, I know that we don’t always get along, but, um . . . ” he stuttered ungracefully.
She narrowed her eyes. She knew that Barack could be a sneaky, sneaky guy, and it was hard to tell if he was acting. Why on earth would such a wonderful speaker like him feel the need to hesitate? “Yes?” she pried, opening the door to her dressing room.
“I...never mind.”
“No, I want to know now.”
He sat down on the couch in her dressing room. “I feel like it would hinder what little relationship we have.”
She sat in the chair across from him and started taking off her makeup. “I doubt something you would say would make that happen.”
He sighed. But then, instead of speaking, he stood, and in a swift movement, he was standing behind her. “Hillary, I don’t know how to tell you . . . ” his hands moved to her shoulders.
She stiffened at his touch. His hands were so strong yet gentle, just like his words. Could it be . . . ? “Tell me what, Barack?” she nearly whispered.
“We’ve . . . even though we’re opponents, I feel like I’ve never been closer to anyone in my life,” he said.
“Nor have I,” she agreed.
His hands gently squeezed her shoulders. It was enough to drive her mad.
She quickly turned around and stood up, knocking his hands away. “If you feel how I feel, Barack, just tell me, tell me!”
“I think I do,” he said. In moments, his hands were back, holding her arms like he’d never let go. “I’ve fallen for you quicker than the youth of America have fallen for my campaign.”
“Oh, Barack! Why?”
“I can’t say. Perhaps I have a thing for arrogant, white women.”
“Perhaps you do. Perhaps I have a thing for overly popular, half-black men.”
He grabbed her and kissed her like she’d never been kissed before.
I want to make it clear one more time because a few people have still got the wrong impression. I have not put my name forward in the upcoming by-election because I want to win and nor do I have any chance of winning. I will get a few votes at most in the time we have. Personally I am not in the least bothered if I get zero.
It is not about that. It is about taking an opportunity in a by-election called by the sitting MP on the subject of 'Big Brother' to make the point that this is far, far bigger than even he realises and unless we see the BIG picture of what is going on nothing effective can be done to stop it.
We can sit on our bums and moan, or we can do what we don't want to do (as with me in this case) to communicate what people need to know as effectively as we can.
Here is an interesting clip of Mike Huckabee, ex-Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, 'joking' in front of the staunchly right-wing NRA crowd about the possibility of an Obama assassination.
Now, I should first of all point out, for any readers, that I am not especially against gun ownership per se, in the UK or America. Yes, I know I have a reputation as a subversive left wing liberal who hates freedom and loves terrorism etc etc but to a degree, I side more with the right-wing/libertarian view when it comes to firearms. Not to mention I did spend part of my misspent youth in the countryside and have been a member of my University rifle club and so actually enjoy shooting too.
But anyway, that's not the point, so I wanted to dismiss the strawman straight away. The point is noting the spread and even acceptance of the "Obama assassination meme" within mainstream political discourse, especially in circles like the above, where Obama is not seen in an especially friendly light.
Now I know you'll be saying "Oh Huckabee is just joking, I thought you Discordians knew about larking about", but to be honest, that's kind of the point. I'm very used to using humour to mask a point, to say something I wish to be known in an indirect and subtle manner. That's often the function of humour in politics, it gives a veneer of deniability to a statement.
So you'll excuse me a certain degree of scepticism when I see the tactic repeated by others.
We all believe Obama is probably the most likely candidate to be targeted, followed closely by McCain (the Middle Eastern groups tend to not operate much outside their own territory, but when they do they are usually very good at it). It's hardly news. He's a charismatic, black man who appeals to a wide constituency of people, comes from a cosmopolitian, is opposed to favourite ventures of the nutjob-right and has a good chance of becoming the next US President. And we know people like the Aryan Nations are still out there, still exist and have people motivated and trained well enough to attempt something like this.
But repititions of the idea that Obama will inevitably face an assassination attempt seem to be aimed more at the idea of spreading this idea ofinevitability far and wide, hoping some far-right nut will decide to take one for the Aryan cause and have a go at killing him. Its one step off encouraging it, when repeated like this.
The entire point of modern day, non-state/terrorist assassination is this - that it takes place within an enabling environment and narrative, and is done in a public place to validate the killer themselves. Making continued references to this happening only increases the chances of someone trying to have a go.
Equally bad is the downplaying of the chances of someone killing him. All three US candidates are at risk, its the nature of the game of politics. Killing the potential next President has long been a route to fame for no-hoper's around the world. Suggesting that Obama is perfectly safe and has nothing to worry about, in the same poisonous media climate which is also telling us he is likely to be killed, as it makes an attempt on him look easy and invites more attempts.
Here are just a few examples of the meme spreading from extremist to more mainstream circles
Neo Nazi, longtime target of Anonymous and friend of Sean Hannity, Hal Turner threatens Obama.
(Just as an aside, I think people on the left who continually raise the prospect of his assassination are just as guilty of perpetuating the meme as everyone else, though I suspect their motivation is more benign. Unless they are Hillary Clinton supporters).
Sean Hannity of Fox News pops up again, this time with some interesting use of language...
"I just feel that with the more we learn about the racial implications in his past, the more likely it is for sure he will be killed."
He all but left out the *Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink* from that statement. We all know the implication is that he is a black supremacist is being spread by the right, which is like a lightning rod to any racists out there.
Jonah "liberals once called me a fascist, so I call them it back now" Goldberg engages in more than just a bit of projection here when he suggests if Obama loses certain people will become unhinged. Maybe they will, but for the moment, it seems more likely a win will unhinge other 'certain people', as the above comments and Greenwald's own article are showing.
The hilariously named White Civil Rights website also engages in a degree of projection, when they fantasize about Mossad killing Obama. Because thats no way an excuse to talk freely about an assassination attempt at all, is it?
Even the bloody Torygraph tries to pooh-pooh the chances of an assassination emanating from the right, instead blaming the idea on a mix of conspiracy theory, wish for martyrdom (nice touch, by the way, the Muslim implication there) and generalized paranoia. Obviously Tony Harden doesn't pay much attention to the lunatic fringe, or he'd know how pumped up on this idea many of them are. While no doubt many of the left wing comments implicating the likes of Blackwater or Clinton are nonsense, there is a real radical threat.
Again, Vanguard News Network, another far-right US site, is spreading the Obama assassination meme under the cover of "tEh Jo0s DiD iT! (oR aT lEaSt wIlL dO!)".
And on and on it goes. I didn't even bother to go to some of the crazier, less well known sites. I thought this should cover it fairly nicely.
As a commentator at the Seattle PI points out, the best thing the media could do in order to play down these fears is not talk about it all the time. Yes, I do realize that makes me guilty to a degree as well, but I'm trying to introduce a phage here, to undercut the meme. By constantly finding ways to bring up the idea, either in terms of denying it having any possibility at all (all US Presidential candidates are potential targets, get over it) or prophesying it as a certainty, is only doing more damage and poisoning the civil discourse.
Any effectively large enough institution, given an infinite black budget and enough time, will try out every idea in the world, no matter how stupid, implausible, reckless, historically proven to be bad or flying in the face of all known scienctific principles that idea is.
Its like the monkeys with typewriters, only you have to fund and release all the pages of gibberish they write, too. Which is why a good deal of the time you have to put up with people like this coming up with your strategic doctrine.
We the undersigned would like to see champion actor Vin Diesel be cast for the role of "Bilbo Baggins" in the upcoming adventure/fantasy movies "The Hobbit Parts 1+2".
We beg Director Guillermo del Toro to look beyond common sense and make the boldest casting move of ALL time, with a view to creating cinematic magic.
Please cast Vin Diesel has the hobbit. He's awesome.
Start of a brand new series which will just prove I really should log off more often.
You know its time to log off the internet when....
1) You have a dream in which Rick Astley personally rickrolls you, but then you wake up and feel depressed because nothing that cool will ever really happen.
2) You realize there is a market for War on Terror slashfic
plagues of locusts the rise of the antichrist the information singularity Nibiru crashing into Earth Russia, China, America, Iran, Israel, India and Pakistan all getting into a nuclear war Alien overlords taking over the planet the Mayan gods destroy the Universe The Reptilian agents unasmking themselves the poles of the earth exchanging positions, or Michael Bolton ceasing to suck
Who would have guessed that when you remove Garfield from the Garfield comic strips, the result is an even better comic about schizophrenia, bipolor disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life? Friends, meet Jon Arbuckle. Let’s laugh and learn with him on a journey deep into the tortured mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against lonliness in a quiet American suburb.
As I’m sure many of you remember, we at PD.com have had more than a couple of run-ins with people who believe in the shapeshifting reptilians that supposedly rule the world. While it’s a very amusing conspiracy theory, and was certainly hilarious back in the 90s, in these dark days of rendition, torture and war, it seems more of a distraction from some of the real problems of the world than anything else, although that is a rant for another day.
That said, it is still good for a laugh when the world is getting you down. And fortunately, Tracey Twyman has managed to link to a fair few of videos purporting to show shapeshifting famous people, on YouTube. I laughed especially hard at the David Icke one, I have to admit.
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