Mar 3, 2006

The Apocrypha to the Vengeful Testament of Eris Part 1

Dont ask where I got this, it mysertiously appeared in my wardrobe one day, after a drinking session and reading some Spike Milligan. Its a bitch to transcript too.


The Apocrypha to the Vengeful Testament of Eris

I. An Account Of the Creation (compiled from eyewitness reports and press releases)

I. In the beginning was the Word.
II. And the word was “Damn!”
III. Verily, several other words followed, and they were “I’m sure that wasn’t meant to happen.”
IV. And thus the Universe was created.
V. And Eris said, “Let There Be Light” but woe there were brownouts in California.
VI. And Eris saw the light and it was good. Eris also saw the monthly bill quadruple after deregulation, and that was not good.
VII. And the Lady did say, “Let There Be Firmament”, and lo she did think, this colour does not go with my eyes well.
VIII. And Eris did bring forth dry land and did command the water to be gathered unto one place. And in London the land went at $6000 a square metre, and lo the water rarely stayed in on one place for long.
IX. And Eris did say “Let There Be Grass” and her followers smoke it unto this day in thanks.
X. And the Lady did say “Let There Be Light In Heaven to Give Light To Earth” and there were many reports of UFOs, except over England where autumnal weather meant it was overcast.
XI. And the Lady did say “Let The Sea Bring Forth Life” and it did, but EU fishing quotas did not stop over fishing there.
XII. And Eris blessed them, saying “Be Fruitful, Multiply and Fill the Sea, And Let Fowl Multiply On The Earth”, but lo, many of the fowl did catch bird flu and died.
XIII. And Eris did say, “Let The Earth Bring Forth Cattle and Creeping Things” and there came cows, and Republican Presidential candidates.
XIV. And Eris did say, “Let Us Make Man in Our Own Image”, but woe, creative differences caused the design team to pursue individual projects.
XV. And she said “Let Humanity Have Dominion Over Fish, Cattle, Fowl and Anything Else Stupid Enough To Follow them Around”.
XVI. And Eris said, “Behold, I Have Given Thee The First Of Free Yielding Seed” but Monsanto did copyright it and sell it for extortionate amounts.

II. On The Creation Of Man And Woman

I. And on the 6th day, Eris did rest from her labours, with full backing from the Fireman’s Union and a strike by the London Underground train drivers.
II. And every plant and herb was in the earth, for Eris had not caused it to rain, and Bob Geldolf had not yet pestered the G8 for their lack of action.
III. And the Lady did form man and woman out of dust of the ground and did breathe life into them, and they were thankful for the Lady attending that first aid course.
IV. The Lady planted a Garden in Eden and placed man and woman there, and to this day the residual memory rests with TV producers.
V. And out of the ground grew every tree that was pleasing to the Lady, but woe She had not counted on logging rights being granted in the region.
VI. And Eris did put man and woman in the Garden to dress and take care of it, but said on Her tax that they were part time labour and so did not come under a health plan.
VII. The Lady did say of any tree in the garden though may eat freely, but She was apprehended for inciting theft at Speakers Corner, Hyde Park.
VIII. But of the tree of Certainty and thou shall most surely die, for it was sprayed with DDT.
IX. And both man and woman were naked, and they were not ashamed. However, it did get somewhat nippy at night, and there were arrested for indecency at Euston Station.

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