Why the 2008 Primaries Suck

Or, more accurately, why the candidates do. Because, lets face it, having any one of these morons with their finger on the nuclear trigger, let alone the economic, cultural and political hub of the world, is rather discouraging.

Or not, depending on your sense of humour and approach to large scale devastation. Since mine is black and, if it has to be done, make it as lulzy as possible, I shall explain why the US primaries do not matter, since all of them are pretty much committed to the above, in one form or another. As such, I shall end my analysis of each leader with which part of the world they are prepared to attack, since that is really the only important policy for a foreigner like me.

Lets start with the Republicans, since I've been following their campaign the closest, for 2 main reasons. Firstly, there seems to be no real natural leader among them who even appeals to the Republican party. Oh sure, when they finally pick one, they'll all pretend to back them 110%, but I've been paying attention to the grass roots members, and they're not too impressed. Secondly, they are generally lulzier than the Democrats, and so are much more entertaining to watch.

My starter for 10 is Rudy Giuliani. Tipped as an early front runner, he has had his ass handed to him twice so far, and is currently eating a shit sandwich. Which makes me happy, because he's a jumped up little NeoCon at heart, whose speeches seem to be a stream of consciousness rant about 9/11. And nothing else. While he originally hoped to play his socially liberal credentials to attract independents and especially democrats, he failed at it and so tried to drum up support from the Christian Right, which he also failed at. Hilarious. Would probably pre-emptively attack Iran, Syria, Pakistan and Jacques Chirac with nukes, if he got into power.

Next on the list is Mike Huckabee. Now Huckabee, he's an odd one. He represents a break in the Republican party that has been developing for a while, that between the allied forces of the intellectual NeoCons, Wall Street and the Christian Right. It was going to happen eventually, and Huckabee is riding the crest of that wave for all it is worth. Doesn't believe in evolution, or enforcing the laws of the state if they go against his morals, which is kind of a downside in a leader, though it does make their excesses far more interesting. Apparently also gives a shit about poor people, which makes him different to most Republicans. Is endorsed by Chuck Norris, with whom he is probably having some sort of strange Platonic love affair. Since he apparently cannot tell the difference between Mexicans and Pakistanis, “it's interesting that there were more Pakistanis who illegally crossed the border [than] any other nationality except those immediately south of our border," he'd probably bomb Juarez, mistaking it for Karachi.

Duncan Hunter is now up. Who the fuck is this guy? Seriously, does he even exist, or is he just some huge Discordian hoax perpetrated on the mass media? Well, according to Wikipedia, he allegedly does exist, so I'll go along with this...for now. Hunter is your basic modern Republican. He's for 'Christian values' except when he has to actually act like Jesus, he's for free trade except for when it ends up benefiting those damn smudgy people, hates illegal immigrants and wants to oppose the UN for the sake of it. Has stated he would pre-emptively bomb Iran with tac-nukes.

Alan Keyes is a black dude in the Republican party who once worked for the UN. In other words, he is one messed up little puppy who has less than a zero percent chance of getting in. Is influenced politically by Bloom, making him one of the smarter NeoCons. He also threw out his daughter for being a lesbian. This must be that compassionate conservatism we keep hearing about. Anyway, this guy is only on the ballots for 18 states, and Wikipedia is demanding citations to prove people voted for him at all, so you could kinda say he's a minor player. His foreign policy would probably involve bombing the stock exchanges of countries that did not agree with him, since he essentially did a non-violent variation of the above for the Reagan administration. Assuming he could even get the foreign countries to take notice of him in the first place.

John McCain is next, a guy who is so old he is lucky to be allowed to run in the Presidential race at all, since the country was founded in the year of his birth. McCain is known as a maverick, mainly for putting up token resistance to President Bush before caving in to every single fucking demand he makes. And for his disregard to culinary etiquette, as noted by Stephen Colbert. He's considered a fiscal Conservative, which basically means he promises not to act like a frat boy with daddy's credit cards while in power. He is also considered capable of bi-partisanship, which basically a nice way of saying if the Democrats have a popular idea, he will steal it. Is also noted for whoring himself out to any interest group going, if it will make him popular. Will likely pre-emptively attack Iraq, again, if elected.

Ron Paul is the wingnut candidate of choice. Noted for his massive support on Digg, among the tinfoil hat brigade and in basements everywhere, Ron Paul is considered the only candidate who can save America. And by save America, he means removing all the laws, however rarely enforced, that stop the corporations fucking the average American repeatedly up the ass. Also noted for taking money from Stormfront, the Nazi/White Supremacist website, though to be honest I don't see a difference between that and taking money from Halliburton. Also thinks fertilized eggs in women count as real people, and has some interesting history in regards to race commentary. Would likely bomb New York, for hosting the UN Headquarters, and Moscow, since his aims to withdraw from certain treaties will provoke a new Russian President no end.

Mitt Romney is a Mormon whose favourite book is Battlefield Earth. That's all you really need to know about him, that he wears magic underwear and his taste in fiction SUCKS. That is to say, both the Book of Mormon and Battlefield Earth. Also thinks fertilized cells are real people, and is often considered the Reaganite candidate of choice. That just means he is too bland as a Republican to be branded a NeoCon, not Christian enough to be a fundamentalist, and too opposed to the Democrats to be a maverick. Is probably secretly plotting to turn America into a Mormon/Scientologist theocracy and his inanity as a political candidate is just a clever act. Would most likely bomb Hillary Clinton, mistaking her for France (apparently, “Hillary = France.” No, I don't get it either) then go onto Pakistan.

Fred Thompson is a failing actor with a hot wife, whose only reason for running is that the ongoing writer's strike has given him far too much free time. Unlike most other Republican candidates, he doesn't actually hate people who are gay, lesbian or transgender, which is somewhat surprising, since 99% of Republicans only rail against Big Government outside of the bedroom. Is supposedly keen on the Constitution, yet doesn't understand basic concepts like separation of Church and State. Really, the only good reason to vote for him is that his wife would make the hottest ever first lady. Would probably invade Cuba, because its 1961 again and the Cubans are going to impose Communism on America.

Now, with that delightful bunch considered, its time to have a look at the party of dullness and invertebrates, the Democrats. Because the Democrats are usually incapable of stating a position without immediately apologizing for offending people who disagree, its much easier just to make fun of them personally. Which is what I intend to do.

First on the list is Hillary Clinton, current frontrunner for possible Anti-Christ's of the World, 2008. Apparently will impose a lesbian socialist dictatorship on America if elected. Famously voted for the Iraq War, Patriot Act, Military Commissions Act, and the Kyl-Lieberman Iran amendment designating Iran's Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organization. Yet somehow she is just too liberal for those conservatives. Will cry on demand if she doesn't get her way. Would also probably be the first candidate to inspire mass suicide in the American population if she won the primaries. Most likely to bomb Ken Starr, Matt Drudge, all suspected members of Vast Right Wing Conspiracies, Iran, Iraq, Pakistan and any good looking interns.

John Edwards is famous for not being able to scream as well as Howard Dean, and claims he will end poverty. Don't be tricked however, he means he will end poverty by eating the flesh of poor people, because he is a member of the Council of Foreign Relations and thus obviously a shape-shifting reptilian. Has also promised to send every child in America to college, because apparently there are not enough burger-flippers who are able to talk in depth about Derrida or the works of Constable. Is a noted baby-killer by proxy, and plans to genetically engineer cows to not fart methane so much, as to combat global warming. Voted for the War in Iraq, but is against the War on Terror (lol wut?). Would most likely bomb strike-breakers and labour relation consultants everywhere.

Mike Gravel is a crazy old man who lives in Alaska and has gone mad from the lack of human contact, as well as eating elk meat every day for the past 20 years. Gravel is most noted for helping end the Vietnam War, by aiding the Viet Cong in storming the US Saigon Embassy. Is ready and willing to implement crazy taxes and economic theories, purely for the lulz. Gravel is also noted for wanting to force gays to marry, whether they want to or not, and possibly even with straight men. Is also blatantly an addict, as he wishes to decriminalize most drugs, especially marijuana. He also advocates a 15 year long vetting period for buying firearms. Would most likely bomb Palestinians, since he wants the US to guard the borders between Israel and a future Palestinian state.

Dennis Kucinich is the Fred Thompson of the Democrat Party. That is to say, the only real reason to vote for him is that his wife is really quite hot. Also like Fred Thompson, he is only running because the writer's strike has left him nothing to do. On TV, he plays a gnome, and, occasionally, a politician. Kucinich was famously an ordinary man until an encounter with a UFO in in the 1980s, which told him he was the Chosen One, and that it was his destiny to conquer America and usher in the Age of Blood and Death. He plans to do this by legalizing everything, leading to an era of pure anarchy. Is most likely to bomb Dick Cheney.

Barak Obama is an Islamic fundamentalist masquerading as a Democrat moderate. His plan is to win the primaries, then announce he is the 12th Imam and that his running mate is Iranian President Ahmadinejad. Also has the backing of the Oprah Winfrey empire, leading to speculation that he will enforce self-actualization and positive thinking exercises on the population at large. Supports net neutrality for fear that corporate charges will take vital funding away from Jihadist's pockets. His main strategy, however, is to chant “change” repeatedly while never being tied to any specific policy, thereby retaining an aura of mystique while being hard to criticize. In that sense, he is kind of an anti-Giuliani. Is most likely to bomb Pakistan, as well as The Jenny Jones show, for stealing Oprah's ratings.